Chambers, the king of dictionaries, defines this week's mystery item, none too succinctly, as:

A band of material passed under the collar of a shirt, etc. and tied under the chin, esp. one having one end wider than the other, tied to hang down the shirt front with the wider end overlying the narrower, worn by men, or as part of a uniform

Can you tell what it is yet? Of course, dear readers, it's the tie. Much like the appendix and the left-hand indicator on a white van, it's an item with no apparent purpose.

Since I started my brilliant career back in 1987, I've worn a "band of material" pretty much every day, because...well, it's the done thing. There ain't no other reason. Lately though, I sense a change in the air. After the successful introduction of casual wear on Fridays, my place of work, like one or two others, has declared that "smart casual" (whatever that is) is now an acceptable form of dress. Could the tie be on its way out?

Why ties are stupid:

• discomfort (an obvious one, this): they're worn tight around the neck
• labour: hate to dwell on the hours I've wasted putting them on
• unhygienic: they attract splashes of food and other debris
• inconvenient: tried playing pool or ping-pong wearing one?

One last thought: novelty ties. Please, please, no.

If You Take Away With You Nothing Else
Silk, leather, cotton:

1. if you have to wear one, leave your top button unfastened
2. go on, be a devil, leave it at home tomorrow
3. don't worry, it'll soon be Friday

Be seeing you!

Ed