Given that Theo doesn't enjoy loud noises (imagine his reaction as the kitchen was ripped apart this summer), it was probably a mistake to kick off our garden fireworks with a laser photon. He seemed to enjoy the remainder, though, once he was securely inside with both mummy & dummy for company.

They're not so spectacular
They don't burn up in the sky
But they can dazzle or delight
Or bring a tear
When the smoke gets in your eye
— Indoor Fireworks, Elvis Costello

Let's take a quick trip through the fabulously inventive names contained within our Tempest selection box, a tenner from the shop down the road:

1. Laser Photons (x2)
   • as close as we got to a rocket; impressive noise
2. Ice Fountain / Tom Thumb's Fountain / Lilliput Lights Fountain
   • every box must have its fountains; 15 second fillers
3. Jumpin' Munchkin (x2)
   • a prize to the person who thought up this moniker
4. Crimson Cascade
5. Silver Cascade
6. Damp Squib
7. Blue Niagra [sic]
8. Sliver [sic] Vesuvius
9. Tracer Air Bomb
   • badly disappointed by this; fuse lit but refused to go off
10. Kaleidoscope
11. U.F.O.
12. Emerald Jets
13. ...and a catherine wheel
    • it worked, and it'll stay nailed to the fence forever!

NB I made up one of the above names.

As a kid, me and my mate Bob - he made me do it, honest - invested some of our time procuring and then dismantling bangers. I remember putting some of the powder into an old green Pentel pen, sticking a coloured match in the end, then throwing it onto concrete to make it explode (which it failed to do). Amazing that we escaped with our fingers and faces intact.

If You Take Away With You Nothing Else

1. keep pets and small children indoors
2. use the taper provided, not broken super-length Swan Vestas
3. never light more than one at once

Be seeing you!

Ed