Unpause. Easy like Sunday morning and it's just like watching Brazil. Except this must be some bizarro universe, 'cos the team stroking it around are wearing blue shirts and feature no players whose names end with the letter "O". Stranger still, the opposition have those bright yellow CBD tops and bad teeth. Weirdest of all, Carry On Clio got the winner. Vive Les Anciens de France!

A suggestion to cheer up those teams KO-ed in the quarters: how's about the mother-in-law of all water fights using those bottles scattered round the touchline?

• Ex-cap'n Beckham and Roberto Carlos could have a quiet word with their sponsors and obtain high-powered hoses connected to a tanker of pure Pepsi (oxymoron alert)
• Gerrard could nip to the Gelsenkirchen branch of Staples for Deutschland duct tape to assemble a Supergun slosher from discarded Pringles tubes
• Ronaldinho could show off his not-for-matches-that-count double pistol technique, get Cantona to do the voiceover, then sell the film rights
• Joe Cole would, of course, turn up five minutes after the whole thing had finished

And best of all, little Theo (plastered with factor 50) could finally get a game.