Illuminating article in today's G2 concerning high-tech loos. Can you guess where I read it? Put down that sci-fi novel: bidet toilets and garlic bread, that's the future.

Not wishing to retread old ground yet again, found myself and my mighty red box o' tools in the loo on Sunday. When acquaintances catch their first view of my handyman equipment, it's just like when an interviewee in People Like Us finds out that Roy Mallard is married: poorly muted surprise. You, tools, they're thinking, what gives?

Got a shiny refitted bathroom, see, and a decree went out from Caesar saying brass is bad, chrome is good. Hence (a) purchase of new superior towel rail plus loo roll holder and (b) disposal of old inferior though still perfectly functional equivalents. I say "disposal", more like hanging around on the bedroom floor underneath the chest of drawers until the accompanying screws are all lost.

Fell to yours truly to do the needful, as the Indian boys say at work. And hey, there were instructions: blah blah 6mm drill bit blah blah backplate blah blah small grub screw. Plus this daunting phrase:

A competent person, in accordance with the fitting instructions above, should fit the product

Apparently the plumber (the aforementioned competent person) had offered to put these items up, but wifey had turned him down thinking I'd be offended. Surely you jest. Much better that I spend quality time being a man, suffering Elaine Paige's selections from the musicals, and trying to hold a pencil while keeping the spirit level, erm, level. Very same wifey had been to Asda and back before I'd finished. Why oh why does my 30mm rawl plug never go fully in to the 30mm hole? I guess that's what your pliers are for, to snip five mil off the protruding end. Another quality job.