As we glide in the Siri-controlled hovercar up the A12 past political placards a-plenty -- every five years, folks -- there's talk of the new domestic "Powerwall" batteries being released by Tesla. Now that was a man. Full-on mad scientist, looked like that fella out of Sparks, and portrayed in the film The Prestige by none other than David Bowie. Wozza-wozza!

The thin white duke, as you'll know, played sax. Go on, guess where we are? Heading into Mayday 'Mundham, we've previously turned right for the Smile Cafe. Today, though, it's lefty loosey down a well-signed residential street in pursuit of the Pear Tree Cafe. There she blows! Best we park sensibly so as not to annoy any neighbours.

Think your shed's big? This cabin's bigger, somewhere between hoooooge and mahooooosive. You wouldn't want to put it up yourself, shall we say. Outside sit informative boards with the full menu and prices. Inside is warm and abuzz with lunching ladies joined by our sweet-smelling selves. PTC was set up a couple of years back "to provide a meeting place for local people and a place of work for vulnerable adults." Yep, more social enterprise, bless 'em. No cheap jokes here, for once.

Semi-pro menus show a sizeable range of grub, from chicken curry to soup to chilli and omelettes. For Eco-Andy, the ever reliable breakfast bap. For me: it's been far too long (last time?) since I had the classic eggbaconchipsandbeans, AKA the EBCB. Served on a random china plate with some brown toast and a 7-Up, that is some fab Friday fare. Fingers and thumbs very much elevated.

All cosy in here among the secondhand books and random knitters. Alas, time is drifting away, necessitating takeaway treats. Can they oblige? Yes, they surely can, providing a lidded cup for my (hot!) double-shot latte and a disposable container for some shared bakewell and brownie. Top marks for the pear-shaped cabin.

If it was a car -- The Splinter.
If they were passing by -- Kristen Connolly.