Mid morning when Outlook confirmed that Young William Has Zero Friends this Friday. In need of an unreviewed eatery within two-wheeler range. What's the name of That Environmentally Sound Chain Of supermarkets? Consulting the store locator, we pull up a nearest top three in Eric Morley reverse order of:

• Duke Street (5.9m) -- of type Express, up to 3,000ft
• Kesgrave (2.12) -- of type Metro, up to 15,000ft
• Martlesham (0.39m) -- of type Extra, over 60,000ft

Coming soon:

• NanoTesco -- up to one billionth of a metre
• Tescopolis -- over 3,000,000ft

Barely into 7th gear before I'm securing the Boardman outside the monolithic Martlesham Tesco. Sign outside reads "Enjoy a visit to the Cafe today", and it wouldn't do to upset beneficient Mr T. Bypass the fags and mags into the L-shaped space operated by Eurest, who've applied their world blah leading service framework to blah facilitate this exemplar of service blah excellence. Which means there's sarnies, (Choice or cheapo), paninis (chicken piri piri, anyone?), and a bunch of food (pie, lasagne, chips) that, in homage to a 70s Woolies caff, was freshly prepared some hours before. Compare and contrast Sainsbury's, though service there can be Thorburnesque.

Receipt identifies my order as the JCT & COLD FIL**, i.e. jacket spud plus tuna mayo (generous) plus pepper-strewn salad, all with a Johnson's OJ and a duet of melting butter ingots and a Haven Hols scratchcard for £3.58 inc. three Clubcard points. Song 2 chorus! Er, there's no forks, I say to the badged lady: she remains mute and goes off to fetch pointy cutlery. Ying and yang-wise, the chap on the till is chirpily cheerful, apologising for the wait, etc. Potato is perfectly presentable. Prospect of the 24hrs garage isn't exactly Mrs Simpson's. There's poetry to peruse:

For the comfort of
all our customers
we thank you for
not smoking

That, and it's illegal. For pudd, my 2nd receipt proclaims PROMOTION**: curious, that double asterisk. For £2.75, a nice slice of "speciality" cake -- passion, ironically enough -- and a regular 83p cuppa coffee: press the Sugababes button to dispense, then add colour with a Lakeland Dairies milk sachet or three. I can only envy the equivalent megalith at Stowmarket which has an in-store Costa.

If it was a car -- Vauxhall Viva.
If they were passing by -- John Henshaw.