EDitorial ± 30-Jul-2002
Do Not Stand Forward Of The Driver
Time for one last look at the weather:
I'd like to sup with my baby tonight
And play the pup with my baby tonight
But I ain't up to my baby tonight
'Cause it's too darn hot
— Cole Porter, Too Darn Hot
Far too sticky and much too late for any coherent, acerbic or witty thoughts, so resorting to a pseudo-random list of events, repetitions and foodstuffs from the past seventy-two hours:
- ice cream: Haagen-Dazs (Friday), Saturday (Peter's, Ben & Jerry's), Sunday (Alder Carr Farm)
- Q: does every book group read Girl With A Pearl Earring?
- drink: rhubarb and apple, elderflower presse, red Schloer
- open-top bus ride around Ipswich highly recommended: great views, informative commentary, and guaranteed windy on the bridge
- gift jars: Country Puddings chocolate fudge sauce, Cumberland honey mustard garlic, Demels hot & spicy mango chutney
- Q: how far north does Waitrose go?
- denied doughnuts at Felixstowe
- three Ds on CD: David Bowie (nominated for the Mercury!), Doves, and the Divine Comedy (appearing at the Edinburgh festival)
- playgrounds: Christchurch Park and the Abbey Gardens in Bury, both boiling
- that's the way we do things here
- bedtime: pumps, cushions, and little children re-appearing time and time again
- free fireworks and proms parachutists (new Coldplay album due v. soon)
- food: lentil lasagne (where's the meat?), salty monkfish, and flame-grilled BBQ (though several sausages were lost to the gravel)
Be seeing you!
EDitorial ± 23-Jul-2002
And So To Bed
Opening scene shows a modern urban living room peopled by two young children, their father, and various toys strewn on the carpet.
Final scene shows parents collapsed on sofa seeking solace in a tub of Ben & Jerry's while watching Six Feet Under.
Be seeing you!
EDitorial ± 16-Jul-2002
Behold Camelot
Can't recall exactly when it was on, but did you catch that Time Team special from Orford, a short hop up the Suffolk coast? When Tony and the gang weren't sampling the goodies over at the smokehouse, they were knee-deep in artefacts taken from trenches in the grounds of the castle. These included patches of stretched pig-skin that had seemingly been smeared with a saffron-based dye to render them bright yellow, and a primitive form of valve. Contentiously, Mick Aston took these as evidence of a 12th century inflatable model predating the current stone structure.
Inevitably the cons outweighed the pros in these early designs, hence their brief appearance as an archaeological curiosity.
Good Points
- portable: surprise potential attackers by moving overnight
- hoghide in plentiful supply for running repairs
- no need for expensive masonic contract staff
Not So Good Points
- nowhere to pin the elaborate tapestries
- lack of a stable foothold not good when preparing boiling oil
- two words: arrow slits
- kept drifting around in the moat
- serfs suffered collapsed lungs from constant exhalation
- derision by visiting French: "we laugh at your air-filled fort!"
- appalling hygiene conditions caused by no drain-away for latrines
Be seeing you!
EDitorial ± 8-Jul-2002
On The Shelf
Everything, everything, everything, everything...
In its right place
— Radiohead, Everything In Its Right Place
Often strikes me that a disproportionate (a typing exercise in one word) time at weekends is spent sorting. There's good sorting - shuffling books around to group by author, so Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon is next to The Diamond Age adjacent to Zodiac which neighbours Snow Crash, which I indulged in a spot of on Sat morning - and bad sorting - being faced with a pile of stuff and having to justify keeping each item. Take the surname of the chap who narrated Paddington Bear, insert an "a" between letters two and three, and drop the last letter.
That Bowie bloke mentioned his mate Moby in an interview recently, who he admires for living a spartan and largely possession-free existence. I've got a sneaking suspicion that he of the ubiquitous advert tunes has numerous secret lock-ups full of LPs, college notes and discarded electrical equipment.
Course, if I had the time I'd do my own life laundry, starting with all the blue plastic Ikea boxes under the bed. Next up would be the countless A4 folders full of who-knows-what, followed by the umpteen magazine files. There's some tough decisions ahead.
If You Take Away With You Nothing Else
Feng shui for beginners:
- go buy a three-legged frog from a Chinese supermarket and display it by the front door
- keep nine goldfish; if a fish dies, that misfortune was meant for you
- oh, and tidy your rubbish
Be seeing you!
EDitorial ± 3-Jul-2002
Nothing Worse
There is nothing
Better in life
Than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro
— Half Man Half Biscuit
Terribly well done to anyone still here. That first para rambled on a tad, did it not? To the matter in hand: pet hates. Not that I hate pets, he said all too quickly, though we did dispose of the cat. And, on another occasion, my negligence did lead to the death of a hamster. It's a fair cop.
Even I, as I breeze through my thirties endeavouring to lead a happy-go-lucky existence, experience the odd moment when my blood pressure rises. Odd that it can be the tiniest thing. Here's a quicky top ten of personal irritations:
- that T-Mobile jingle (the illegitimate offspring of Intel Inside)
- wasted paper print-outs at work
- finding the tea towel in what I amusingly call its NDP, the natural drying position, i.e. scrunched up on the work surface
- Friends: please, please finish
- drivers who don't indicate - I speak as a driver but also a cyclist
- two Inland Revenue words: self-assessment
- receiving an email with a blank subject line
- broken CD jewel cases
- some phrases: "fill your boots"; "thankyou" with no space; anyone overheard saying "or alternatively"
- Billy Connolly's ads for Lotto
You'll appreciate that I have it mighty tough, going by the above list.
If You Take Away With You Nothing Else
On a more positive note:
- love that T-Mobile ad with the baby's face everywhere
- favourite phrase currently: "deal with it!"
- the smell of rain, Amelie the film, kicking a ball around, sitting down knowing the kids are asleep, Dvorak's Carnival overture, buying a new paperback, an extra-strong mint after coffee, the West Wing, etc.
Be seeing you!