I confess: tonight I was beaten 11-0 (I believe the term is "skunked") in one of my table tennis games. My opponent took all available points and, in the next game, grabbed the first six too before I finally scored a point. Not good. Especially when I'd won the opening two ends and clearly had him rattled. You had him beat, said one of their guys. That'll be the story of our season.

Demonstrably not the best of new year starts for the once-proud BT Defiants. KC turned up with new equipment -- where did you get that bat? -- hitting some good 'uns before losing out to superior opposition. AC went deuce mad, going 10-7 up in the final end yet still winning just an "L" on his forehead, though he did secure our one and only point of the evening against their sprightly pensioner ... who beat both me and KC.

Latest league table shows us NOT bottom, surprisingly. Partly 'cos the actual bottom team have played a game less than us. Time for us to get going, shape up, ship out, get out of that kitchen, extract our collective digits and pull our flabby selves together, else it's the abyss of division three staring us in the fizzog. Maybe time for a manager: anyone got a number for Rafael Benitez?